Seriously, people, ask yourself: is it really the couples who are making February 14th worse than it needs to be? I say No: couples are awful all year long, not only that one-time-a-year… And who is totally out of control between February 10 and February 15? Single people. I never got more invitations to idiotic single & ready to mingle programs than during the past few days.
VALENTINE’S TURNS PEOPLE INTO LOVE ZOMBIES
Just like the full moon brings the werewolves out in horror movies, Valentine’s turns ordinary people into unapologetic monsters. At the sight of red hearts, teddy bears and “I love you” lattes, their eyes turn black and their mouths start foaming. Crazy how one minuscule, ridiculously commercial holiday has transformed into a month-long existential crisis for a whole lot of people, who are, by the way, single the other 364 days of the year without feeling like Carrie about it…
Ok, single people, you won’t have anyone to exchange chocolate hearts and cheap teary teddy bears with tonight. But please remember, this holiday was not implemented by devilish couples as a way to remind you that nobody good enough is making your life more miserable on a daily basis. February 14th is NOT the apocalypse of love. Nothing to cry about in the bathroom, believe me. Valentine’s day is nothing more than a way to sell more junk than for Christmas. And I’m not the one saying, check this UrbanDictionary definition:
Commercialistic bullshit holiday invented by corporations to cash in on pussy-whipped men. Tries to create the image of love, when the day is really about money and materialistic objects.
SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
In my humble opinion, the plan is to stop stressing out. Whether you are in a relationship or not. You have a boo? Don’t spend all day wondering if he’s gonna get you something special. You are single? Don’t spend the day trying to poison the roses of all the other girls. Useless. To start with, roses are very slow to react to poison. You might as well put them in the microwave and cook them dead. But remove the water first or you might get yourself some really bad burns.
The great thing about this year is that it’s Friday. So I’m just gonna go to my favorite club. With or without boo. Before that, I might treat myself with a nice fondue and dip everything edible I find in the house. All the more reasons to go out and burn calories later.
If you feel really down, and that rounding up every rose, every cheesy card, every tacky teddy bear and heart chocolate to throw them in a giant bonfire can make you feel better, just do it. But choose a safe location for the bonfire. Safety first. Whatever you decide, banish all negative thoughts, ignore the hype, have some “you time” (it might really motivate you to go out after), have sex for the heck of it !
And because we care, here is a playlist to plainly say: F*** YOU, CUPID! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX1uusaBwROuk